all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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