My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
