Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My vagina is officially offended.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i believe in u and ur pee
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
