Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The uberlube is also flammable
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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