I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
