i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
