she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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