My underwear smells like fireworks.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
