she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
