Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I know her cup size but not her name....
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