How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Randomize
