If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
