I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
