based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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