omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
