I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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