Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
