I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
