that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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