she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
