I think I died a long time ago.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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