so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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