I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
