I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
