how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
