just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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