I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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