you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
