just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
