So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
