I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
