Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I think a kid would responsible me up
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
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