in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
