seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
