Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
