You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
