There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
