Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
