It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
