Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
