Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
