she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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