Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
