I accidentally had phone sex last night
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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