I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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