I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
