You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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