Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
