12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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