I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
