the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
foreskin is a definite game changer
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
