haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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