just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
